After a couple of drinks, a friend of mine recently confided: “I’m really bad at watching porn.” The statement – and the dead serious expression on his face when he said it – made me laugh. But after a brief talk about what he meant, I understood.

 

It was simply that he found navigating most porn sites overwhelming. And I can certainly relate: Take a look at PornHub or any other similar site – and what you find is an endless array of pornographic screenshots thrown at you at random – most of which probably won’t appeal to you – and some of which you may well find disgusting. Even taking up the challenge to start navigating through such a plethora of porn is a daunting task. And I fully sympathize with anyone who just gives up and leaves. In other words: Finding the porn you like can be hard work – and as with any other endeavour, you may feel that you’re simply not up to the task. If that sounds silly, it’s only because of our mistaken belief that sexuality and our relationship to it is somehow natural and uncomplicated. Believe me: Any sex therapist will tell you that is definitely not the case.

 

In fact, our sexualities are surprisingly different. What turns one person on, leaves the other cold – or even disgusts them. One person’s kink is the other person’s squick. And the only one who will ever fully know the depths of your sexual desires and fantasies is yourself. Many porn sites now have algorithms that suggest what clips you might enjoy – but unsurprisingly, they tend to guess wrong. And while the categorization on porn sites is certainly helpful, they’re still far too sketchy to precisely pinpoint the many aspects of human sexuality. For instance, what does “Fetish” mean, exactly? There are many different fetishes – and most fetishists are only into perhaps a handful – and find the others uninteresting or decidedly weird.

 

When the author Theodore Sturgeon was asked by his friends why he wrote science fiction when 90% of science fiction was crud, Strugeon famously replied with what is now referred to as Sturgeon’s Law: “90% of everything is crud.” This rule definitely applies to porn as well. To the average user it may even seem that the percentage is closer to 99 or slightly above. Because there are so many things about porn that has the potential to turn us off: Not just the sex acts themselves, but the looks of the performers, the production quality – even the music – the list goes on and on.

 

Over decades of regularly enjoying porn, I’ve found one solution to this problem: Research. This may sound counter-intuitive to many porn users. They seek gratification for a temporary urge that needs to be satisfied as quickly and easily as possible. But my advice is to bide your time. Don’t settle for the first random clip that may quench your desires. If you spend a little more time, you may find something better – something that will stimulate in surprising ways – even opening your mind to new preferences you didn’t know you had.

 

Because that’s one important aspect of porn that’s often neglected: Porn is a safe way to explore your own sexuality – by exposing yourself to different stimuli, gauging your reaction, and gradually assembling a clearer vision of what it is that turns you on – and what doesn’t. Used in this way porn can be a voyage of discovery. Yes, it takes time and requires reflection – but why wouldn’t you want to do it? The reward is not just insight – it’s also pure, unbounded pleasure. And who wouldn’t want that?

 

So when browsing for porn, don’t rush – take your time. Think of the search as part of the experience – because it can actually be arousing. Try out different websites and see which ones work best for you. Take note of performers, directors and studios whose work you enjoy – and look for them next time. Those names will in turn lead you on to other names, and so on. Little by little, you will be able to build a list of porn clips best suited for your preferences.

 

If you think I’m taking porn far too seriously, I’m not surprised. While most intelligent people agree that our sexuality is indeed an important subject, there still seems to be a strange stigma surrounding porn. What you enjoy watching is somehow seen as an inferior element of who you are as a sexual being. And even if porn were just sexual entertainment, this attitude would still be absurd: Most of us are very selective when it comes to other forms of entertainment – we spend a lot of time selecting our favourite books, movies and music. Porn holds the potential for immense physical and psychological pleasure. Why wouldn’t we take that just as seriously?

 

We’re all “bad at watching porn” when we’re just starting out. But you will get better over time. You need to put in the hours, but believe me – it will be worth every minute!