A reader’s story – Zaza

I always like to get in touch with my readers. And recently I came across a young woman with a different story –  one that she agreed to share with you. Zaza’s (not her real name) life has been a difficult one – plagued by sexual abuse. But she has found a way to deal with the trauma – among other things by reading erotica. Here is my interview with Zaza.

Frank Noir: Tell us a little bit about yourself – age, background, etc.

Zaza: I ‘m a 29-year-old Canadian-Lebanese woman – born and  raised in Canada. I work as a teacher – a job that I really love.

FN: You were the victim of a number of sexual assaults. What happened?

Z: I was sexually assaulted several times, starting when I was only six years old. Someone came into the room and sexually touched me. Fortunately my mom came in and interrupted it before it went any further. Not until later did I remembered who the perpetrator was – but I could never confront him.

Another assault happened when I was on vacation at the age of eleven. Here I was sexually touched by a number of people, but ran way and never went back.

Several of my boyfriends have abused me sexually. One tried to  force me into sex through seduction and blackmail. Another anally raped me because I refused to have sex with him. And yet another tried to take my virginity against my will (because it was a fantasy of his).

FN: In what ways have you tried to deal with the trauma, and how successful have they been?

Z: From the age of six,  I would never let my parents come near me. I never let them kiss or hug me. Even at such a young age I hated physical contact and found it repulsive. Then one day I watched a porn movie for the first time and began to change my mind. I was still afraid of physical contact, but porn became a way for me to deal with sex – I began to realize that it was alright and that I should not fear it.

After watching movies I started reading erotica, which I found much more interesting than porn movies. I met other men and dated at the time. At age 14 I met the man of dreams. He was the love of my life, but he died at the age of 16 and I felt so alone. That was when I began to let “bad men” into my life.

I guess all victims of rape try to find a way to cope: Some do drugs, some alcohol, some prostitution – I turned to bad men and then found erotica. I also dominated men as sexual objects for a while. But eventually I got bored with each one of them and just wanted a new slave.

FN: What role did erotic literature play in your recovery?

Z: Erotica allowed me to free myself of some of the fear I had of men sexually. I used to suppress any sexual desire, but the graphic descriptions in erotic books let me imagine the emotions and made me want to let go and feel them myself. I also saw a sexologist who helped me as well.

I started with light erotica then went to hardcore. I realized I liked hardcore because I would enjoy doing similar things to men: making them beg me for mercy and refusing to give it to them. For me, this was a way to punish the men who had hurt me in the past.

FN: How did you discover the work of Frank Noir?

Z: I believe either in an author newsletter or a search on Amazon.

FN: In what way have Frank Noir’s stories been helpful in your recovery process?

Z: I read the stories and enjoy them. They are sexy, seductive, charming, captivating  – and very hot. I also like that even though they are hardcore BDSM stories they have a certain sensuality about them.

FN: Do you have a favourite Frank Noir book or story – and what especially appeals to you about it?

Z: I don’t have a favorite author or books by anyone I have ever read. I just know what genre or style I enjoy – so I choose them and read. Actually, I even read menage gay books just because they turn me on as well.

FN: What are your thoughts on “trigger warnings”? Frank Noir doesn’t use them – do you think he ought to?

Z: They’re probably a good thing. Some people are extremely sensitive and may hate the author if there are none. But for me they don’t matter. I have read a lot of books and none have ever made me feel as if I was actually being raped – and I have read some real hardcore erotica. But then again, that kind of books may trigger it for some – and they might even start feeling all the emotions all over again

FN: A common criticism of erotic literature of the darker kind is that it normalizes or even encourages sexual aggression toward women. Do you have some thoughts on that?

I don’t feel that hardcore erotica encourages sexual assault or rape at all. I mean we are all responsible adults and know it is a work of fiction. Yes – some may desire to act out a scene like that – but we know that real life is not like that. As for those who say the porn made them do it – that sounds more like an excuse to avoid going to jail for rape charges.

FN: Anything else you’d like to add?

Z: We all know what is acceptable and what is not. Men who harass women in the workplace know exactly what they’re doing. They just don’t care – because they want to be the alpha male. I suppose it hurts their manhood or pride if a woman says “no” to them – and instead they feel the need to force her. And I feel they should be punished for it.

But it’s so sad to see the way rape is handled in the legal system: Sometimes white rapists gets off easy – while the black ones never do. Should we go easy on a rapist because of what it would do his future – rather than care about the future of the girl he raped? And if a woman kills her rapist should she go to jail for murder? To me that is self-defence. My only consolation is that I believe Karma comes to all.

Men need to start talking with their sons and educating them. The father needs to set an example – and so does ever other male figure in a boy’s life. If not they will keep on hurting women, thinking it is the right thing to do. This is the attitude that needs to be changed.

FN: Zaza – thank you very much for this conversation.

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